Love or Attachment?

Love or Attachment?

by Diane Linsley

One of the most useful things I've learned on the spiritual path is

the difference between love and attachment. If you are trying to

overcome codependency, this understanding is essential.

Stages of Relationship

In Transformation through Intimacy, Robert Augustus Masters discusses the four stages of intimate relationship: ego-centered, codependent, co-independent, and being-centered. The vast majority of relationships are in the first two stages.

An ego-centered relationship is fraught with contention because the partners are mainly concerned with defending their egos. It is very attached in the sense of grasping and clinging. This unhealthy attachment causes each partner to try to control the other.

A codependent relationship is "we-centered," but it's still based on control, which is more covert. In fact, there may be a lack of overt fighting. Partners in a codependent relationship pride themselves on how well they get along. There is an unspoken agreement to not rock the boat. But underneath the apparent peace, there are unmet needs, a lack of individual freedom, and a fear of true intimacy (which would involve more openness and honesty than the partners are willing to risk).

In a co-independent relationship, the partners respect each other's space and independence. But if a relationship progresses to this stage, it may actually fall apart because the old glue of codependency is gone. This is a tricky stage because it's a transition phase. It requires the partners to take responsibility for themselves, instead of expecting someone else to meet their needs. But if they stop there, the relationship can dry up. At some point, both partners must be willing to move forward to the next stage.

A being-centered relationship can only happen between two highly aware and mature people. At this stage, there is a radical acceptance of self and other. The partners experience the profound intimacy of sharing their thoughts and feelings without the fear of being rejected or controlled. Disagreements are seen as opportunities for growth. Differences are respected and even appreciated - not seen as a threat. Each partner follows their own spiritual path while supporting the other's growth. They appreciate the lessons they are learning through their relationship - even when it's difficult.

A person can only be as loving as their stage of development allows them to be. Whenever there are people at different stages of development, there are unavoidable misunderstandings.

You cannot have a two-way, being-centered relationship with someone who's not ready for it. But while you are waiting for that experience, you can have a being-centered relationship with yourself by practicing self-compassion.

The most important relationship of all is your relationship with God. Nothing else can take its place.

Attachment is not Love

True love is neither attached (in the codependent sense) nor indifferent. Some people think that detaching means not caring. It's exactly the opposite! You care so much for the other person that you are willing to stop trying to control them. You acknowledge their soul's free agency and independence from you. Does this scare you? Take your fear to God, and work on your relationship with Him.

Enlightenment is an incredible experience of letting go of attachments. That's why it's so blissful. It's the experience of Oneness. In this experience, you feel an immense love for all people and all of creation. There is no need to possess or control anyone because you are full of love. The neediness is gone.

This isn't just an Eastern concept. It is also Christian. There's a wonderful example of this type of love in the character of the saved woman in C.S. Lewis's book, The Great Divorce.

The initial euphoria of enlightenment fades over time, and the ego eventually reasserts itself, requiring constant vigilance to keep it from taking over your life again. But the realization of enlightenment stays with you. You can never be completely deceived by the ego again. You recognize the ego in yourself and in everyone around you (which can be disconcerting and downright depressing sometimes).

But you don't have to experience enlightenment before you can experience true love. Some basic principles, along with the practice of Witnessing, are enough to get started on the path. And you don't need a romantic partner. You can practice loving every person in your life, starting with yourself and extending outward into the whole world.

The advantage of having a romantic partner or children is that these relationships trigger more shadow material. So there's more grist for the mill - more ego dysfunction to observe in yourself. We deal with this by doing shadow work. Debbie Ford's wonderful book, The Dark Side of the Light Chasers contains lots of easy exercises that anyone can do.

Attachment Styles and Energies

The book Attached by Amir Levine describes three attachment styles: anxious, secure and avoidant. I recommend this book for anyone who is dating.

Drs. Hal and Sidra Stone, creators of Voice Dialogue, identify three different energies that people have when interacting with others: personal, impersonal and withdrawn. These energies remind me of the anxious, secure and avoidant attachment styles.

Spiritually mature people have a well-developed ability to witness with detachment. They operate in a neutral, impersonal energy most of the time. They are aware of their energy, and they can adjust the type and intensity of the energy, depending on who they are with.

Impersonal energy is not withdrawn. It is very engaged and aware, but it isn't smothering or needy like personal energy can be. Impersonal energy requires healthy boundaries.

The Stones suggest that you practice embodying the three different energies with a partner until you become proficient at recognizing and controlling your own energy. You can find instructions in their excellent book, Partnering: A New Kind of Relationship.

Love and Freedom

The foundation of true love is freedom. The moment one person tries to control another, love vanishes.

When you are very attached to someone, the temptation to control them is very great. With awareness, you can look deeply into your desire to control. You will see that it's rooted in fear. Rather than feeling ashamed of the fear, regard it as an opportunity to go deeper into meditation and become more aware.

Witness how you react to the realization that all things are impermanent, including your relationships. Your child will grow up and leave you - if you have raised him properly. And your romantic relationship will eventually end in either a break-up or in death.

Witness the fear without turning away from it. Feel the anxiety and grief that arises when you imagine your loved ones changing, growing up or dying. Watch how you project your fears onto others and try to control them.

If you try to control someone, they will probably leave sooner. At the very least, you will destroy the love. That's what most people do because they don't know love. They only know attachment.

Over many years of practice, we gradually develops compassion, which is the best word to describe enlightened love.

"Love is the only freedom from attachment. When you love everything, you are attached to nothing." ~Mikhail Naimy

Enlightened Love

Once you have tasted true love, you won't settle for anything less.

True love is not the burning desire of wanting or needing. It's not the ego's grasping and clinging.

True love is peaceful, patient and understanding. It wants what is best for the soul development of the other, even if it means letting go. Hal and Sidra Stone say that the secret to keeping love in a relationship is to hold it with an open hand.

"Can anyone be happy if they aren't free?" ~Belle in Beauty and the Beast

"Love takes no prisoners." ~Junpo Denis Kelly Roshi, The Heart of Zen

This video about Disney's Aladdin explains why freedom is the foundation of love. This is a fun way to teach this concept to children (or your own Inner Child).

Here's a reading of the story of Cosmo Von Wehrstahl, which is a fairy tale from George MacDonald's book Phantastes, chapter 13. It demonstrates the difference between true love and attachment.