Ending Codependency
by Diane Linsley
One of the biggest challenges for some of us who are trying to
develop self-compassion is to end codependency.
I'm going to assume that you have a basic understanding of what
codependency is. If not, there are many good books on the subject.
I recommend Melody Beattie's Codependent No More
My introduction to codependency came via a parenting course by Dr. James Jones. My son was born with ADHD, and raising him was difficult from the beginning. By the time he was 7 years old, I felt like I was going crazy. Dr. Jones's course was a life-saver.
According to James Jones, "Codependency is doing for another person what they can and should be doing for themselves."
This is the best short definition I've ever heard, and it became my mantra for child-raising.
Now, many years later, I believe that my son came into my life to help me overcome codependency. It took a long time for me to learn my lessons, and it was very painful. But I'm grateful for what I learned because it changed my life.
A Story about Codependency
James Jones tells this story:
Imagine that you are innocently walking down the road, and you come to a bridge. There's a guy standing on the bridge, and he hands you one end of a rope, saying, "Will you hold this for a second?" Then, holding onto the other end of the rope, he jumps off the bridge.
What?! You look over the side of the bridge and see him dangling above a deep chasm. He yells up at you, "Don't drop the rope, or I'll die!" Now you're stuck. You need to get back on the road because you have an important mission to fulfill, and there are people waiting for you in the next town. But instead, you are stuck here with this idiot. How do you feel?
Naturally, you may feel angry or frustrated. Anger is the emotion we feel when we've been codependent with someone.
What are you going to do now? Innocent people, including yourself, are going to suffer if you stay stuck here forever.
You decide to drop the rope. And you know what happens next? You wake up, and you realize that you were living in an illusion. That guy's life was never your responsibility.
Codependency and Relationships
I was raised from birth to be a codependent. Every relationship in my life was based on codependency. It took until my son was 20 years old before I learned how to drop the rope for good. I had dropped it plenty of times before, but I kept getting suckered into picking it up again.
I started meditating when my son was teenager. This increased my awareness and made it easier to let go of old habits. Awareness is the beginning of the end of codependency.
Once I dropped the rope permanently, I was so happy to be free that I let go of all the other ropes I had been holding onto. Lots of codependent relationships came to an end, and only the healthy relationships remained. Over time, the relationship with my son transformed into a healthy one.
I didn't set out to sever or change the old relationships. They simply dissolved naturally or transformed into something better when I stopped feeding the cycle of codependency.
One of my favorite Christian books is The Great Divorce by C.S. Lewis. No, it's not about marital divorce, although it includes an example of a marriage gone bad. The title is a reference to The Marriage of Heaven and Hell by William Blake.
Anyway, in C.S. Lewis's entertaining story, the narrator learns how relationships that are based on trying to control others ultimately fail and how we can avoid such failure by developing a relationship with Christ. If you enjoy imaginative stories about the afterlife, check it out. I love this audiobook version.
Codependency in Intimate Relationships
In Finding Meaning in the Second Half of Life, James Hollis asks, "How many marriages are in service to the hidden agenda of the less psychologically evolved of the two?" This is a sobering thought.
Being in relationship with someone who is at a lower stage of cognitive development can be frustrating. Codependents often end up in frustrating relationships because they confuse love with pity. They waste a lot of time and energy trying to help the other person grow up.
When the other person doesn't change, they feel frustrated. But if they look deeply, they may see that they are really angry with themselves for choosing that person from a place of codependency and then spending their life trying to fix them.
In Transformation through Intimacy, Robert Augustus Masters descibes the 4 stages of relationship: ego-centered, codependent, co-independent, and being-centered. After reading this book, I had a better idea of what is possible in intimate relationships.
In Facing Love Addiction, Pia Mellody says, "The treatment for codependence seems to be a necessary prerequisite to an effective recovery from love addiction. This is because a Love Addict with insufficiently treated symptoms of codependence is virtually unable to recognize the dynamics of love addiction, or to abstain from the addictive parts of the relationship and endure the withdrawal process."
I became aware of my own love addiction when I read Attached by Amir Levine, which describes the three attachment styles - anxious, secure, and avoidant.
Love Addicts are anxiously attached, and Love Avoidants are avoidant. These polar opposites are often fatally attracted to each other. The only way out of this painful cycle is to become secure, which requires a lot of personal growth work. It helps to recognize the difference between love and attachment.
Codependency and Self-Compassion
"We are only upset with others not providing us something to the extent that we're not providing that for ourselves." ~Katherine Woodward Thomas
Until we develop self-compassion, we will continue expecting our relationships to fill the void. The main work of recovery consists of learning how to take care of ourselves and set boundaries.
Codependency happens when you try to care for someone else's Inner Child because they are neglecting it. If we all focused on caring for our own Inner Child, we would be much happier.
Remember the quote: "Codependency is doing for another person what they can and should be doing for themselves." Holding a crying baby is not codependency. Taking care of young children, the sick or the elderly is not codependency. There are plenty of people who really do need your help. So don't get stuck holding the rope for a narcissist on a bridge.
As my children got older, I expected more and more of them, according to their ages. Our expectations of people should be geared toward their stage of development. Codependents tend to underestimate what other people are capable of. They may also be afraid of losing a relationship if they expect the other person to be responsible.
Affirmations for Ending Codependency
Here are some affirmations that helped me let go of codependency. You can also listen to them in my Guided Meditation for Codependency - Affirmations for Healing.
I take care of myself, and I allow other people the privilege of taking care of themselves.
I trust in the Law of Attraction to bring each of us whatever matches our vibration.
The earth school is a place of learning. It's not about being perfect.
People learn best from their own experience. Each person learns at their own pace.
Personal growth comes from solving problems. I allow other people to grow.
People are free to believe whatever they want to. It's not my job to change their beliefs.
We each have our own soul lessons to learn. My soul's journey is unique to me.
I only give advice when it's asked for. My example alone is enough.
Final Thoughts on Ending Codependency
In life, you get what you focus on. However, there are limits to what you can get. For example, you can't change other people. If you want to live a happy life, focus on changing yourself. When you are busy working on your own personal growth, your relationship problems will naturally recede as you focus on the only person you have any control over - yourself.
Here's a quote I picked up from somewhere to lighten the mood:
"The codependent's mantra: Some people try to change themselves. Some people try to change others. I try to change very obstinate people so I can suffer more."
Codependency can creep into our love language. Do you like to do things for people or give them physical gifts? Maybe you prefer to give words of advice or emotional support.
There's nothing wrong with giving our gifts to others. How do you know whether it's codependency or charity? When we feel frustrated because other people don't accept what we want to give, or they don't give back in the same way, this is a clue that we are being codependent.
Even when we think our motives are clean, people subconsciously pick up on our energy. Until we change at this core level, people will sense our codependent attitudes and beliefs.
How do you change your energy? The beginning of change is awareness, and meditation is the time-tested way to increase awareness.
Here's a codependency meditation to help you experience of what it feels like to be grounded in your own energy.
Be well,
Diane Linsley
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